At the end of a stressful day the last thing I want to do is go on a date or even THINK about going on a date. I just want to go home, snuggle under the covers wearing my granny panties, hoodie, and torn sweat shorts– read a good book and eat some ice cream cookie sandwiches.

Dating websites can be overwhelming. Sifting through all the e-mails and pokes and winks and hellos and smiles and rankings and ratings and matches and profile plugs can wear a woman down after she’s sat at a computer for 8 straight hours doing mind numbing yet challenging and exhausting work that has required every bit of her analytical brain to pick and choose the best information to put forth on a project that is on a deadline. On days like today, I log into the website with a slight feeling of dread because I already know I have 6 new e-mails I will need to read and sort through into the “respond” vs. “don’t respond” folder, a handful of “winks” or whatever to scan through, and a crap load of profiles who were somehow selected as best fits for me (which I have yet to figure out how 99% of the men are chosen since I have only thought 2 were interesting enough to contact).

My brain is bit fried and reasoning is impaired due to lack of sleep combined with coffee overload. I read through the first 5 e-mails, check their profiles, scan through their pictures, and two minutes later I can’t remember what I’ve just read or seen. Ugh. I’m going to have to save all of them and re-read them tomorrow in order to give the guys a fair chance. If I were to make a decision in this state of mind, not even Gael Garcia Bernal or Johnny Depp would get through to me.

I click on the last e-mail and am greeted with the shortest of today’s e-mails. Copy pasted as-is, mistakes and all.

“hey u .
Hows it going.
can we communicate via tect or phone ? or maybe email ?
I dont log on here too often… and I think I can be a perfect match for you… I really love the way you look and would love to get to know you more…”

My brain flickers for a moment, excited that I can in fact make a decision, an easy one. NO.
Some people reading this will automatically understand why its such an easy decision. Others, not so much. So please allow me to break this down for those who might not get it.

To begin with what kind greeting is “hey u”? It;s rude. Just plain rude. Granted my real name isn’t on my profile, but most men at least say “Hello.”

“Hey” is for horses and “u” is for hooligans and text messages. It’s also an indication that this e-mail is a generic cut and paste job done in mass quantity- no time to go back and enter in each and every recipient’s personal profile name. Already I am not made to feel unique or special in any way whatsoever.

Second, “…I think I can be a perfect match for you…” Really? Why?! He gave me no indication of WHY he thinks that. Not even a flippin’ HINT, like “because I like the same books as you do…” NOTHING. Hmmm…another indication of a generic cut and paste job AND its easy to assume that he didn’t actually READ my profile or pay attention to ANYTHING that I am looking for which I state pretty clearly.

Thirdly (I like writing and saying “thirdly” even if it isn’t totally grammatically correct), “I really love the way you look.” Well that’s flattering that he loves the way I look in the five pictures I’ve posted but man oh man, since that’s the only criteria he cares about, he is in for a bad spell of things because I do not, DO NOT look amazing and beautiful 24/7. Right now I look like a moldy stressed out poo bug. Because of days like this I am looking for someone who will be as attracted to my personality as he is to my physical appearance. Yeah, of course the guys who contact me stop and look at my profile because of my appearance but they should only attempt further communication if they actually like what they can assess about my personality from my profile information.

Fourthly (yeah, yeah, roll your eyes, I know), “…and would love to get to know you more” doesn’t go over well if you don’t actually ASK anything else about me that you might be curious about that isn’t answerable by reading my profile.

So yeah, this guy loses out on getting to know me.
Even though I came to that decision pretty quickly I took a gander at his profile anyways.

“My perfect woman…hmmmm…that’s a hard one, I am pretty picky. The perfect woman is cute but not too cute. Long Hair but not too long …yuck. In shape but not too in shape. Intelligent you can never be too smart. Loves to eat anything and everything. Basically a good gal that likes to have fun”

Well, if he had actually paid attention to my profile instead of copy pasting a short blurb and sending it to every single female who does not look like a mutant in her photos, he’d probably realize that:

1) I am obviously too in shape for him since it is stated that I am an avid athlete
2) yes, yes you can be too smart. I am too smart for him. I can tell that already.
3) I am a vegetarian and will not eat anything and everything (also clearly stated)
4) well, ok I am a good gal and I do like to have fun but not with guys like him.

And what is exactly is “too cute”? How can you be “too cute”? Is he trying to avoid dating baby bunny rabbits and kittens and Gerber babies? Because if that’s the case I’m pretty sure he has nothing to worry about since baby bunny rabbits and kittens and Gerber babies don’t have online dating profiles since they can’t type.

Buh-bye, e-mail deleted. Next please.