How to ruin something that’s about to be good

Ok. So…there is this guy, Lino, who is basically everything I am looking for in a man and I have a huge, HUGE GIGANTIC-BIGGER THAN A SUBWAY RAT- CRUSH ON HIM!!! So much so that I have to force myself to not become idiot babbling girl when I’m around him because I just get so flustered and stupid.

I won’t regurgitate everything I’m looking for since I’ve already spelled it out in my Dear Mr. Right blog post. Just know that he indeed was in my mind while writing that post (except he hates calling and is a big texter).

We met during a group run hosted by a local running club in November. I had seen him before and of course noticed him because he is oh-so-handsome (6′2″ with a runner’s/basketball player build, curly brown hair, brown eyes, and a 1000-watt smile) but honestly had never really had the chance to talk.

During a run where I was taking it easy on my legs and holding back on my pace, he was doing the same thing. He started a conversation with me at the beginning of the run by asking about my marathon experience. We chatted the whole 4 miles. I invited him to run a long training run since he is training for a January marathon, and I well, I just like to run 16+ miles at a time when I have the chance.

We ran 16 miles together, effortlessly, seemingly becoming a perfect match pace-wise. I had so much fun that the cold weather and miserable rain didn’t phase me. We ran 21 miles together the next weekend. We talked about everything from family, our childhoods, sports, to politics. During this time we had gotten into texting each other almost every day just to ask each other about our runs. My crush intensified and I fought myself to keep from outright flirting with him. I wasn’t getting any signals from his end that he was interested in me romantically. Our conversations were mostly about training schedules (I’m a far more experienced runner and he picked my brain clean for advice) and occasionally about what food we had eaten (he was thinking of becoming a vegetarian and also asked my advice about that as well). I loaned him the book “Born to Run” by Christopher McDougall. It made me giddy picturing him reading a book in a coffee shop. Of course he would have to think of me every time he picked it up, right?

Then one Saturday night while I was out with a friend eating dinner, Lino texted me. After finding out that I was at The Diner close to his apartment, he invited me and my friend over to just hang out. I’m not going to lie I was so excited to read his invitation that I almost peed myself and dropped my phone. My friend and I had tentatively planned to see a movie but she honestly felt that going to his apartment was much, much more important (I love having friends who understand things like this). I was doubly excited because it would be the first time Lino would see me NOT all sweaty and gross from running. You bet your fanny that I spent a good 10 minutes in the restaurant’s bathroom giving myself a quick makeover with the makeup I had in my purse.

When he answered the door, my head started to swim away from me. His studio apartment was immaculate and he was amazing.

I felt so nervous that I don’t think I really ever relaxed fully. I felt his eyes on me and had trouble keeping eye contact with him. I knew he was studying me. Watching me. I looked great and I knew it and felt it. I looked completely different than any time he had seen me before. Obviously because I wasn’t bundled up in winter running gear, my hair wasn’t plastered to my face with sweat, and my lips weren’t purple from the cold, and my nose wasn’t drippy. That night I knew he was attracted to me, and it scared the crap out of me. I was scared because for weeks I had talked myself out of believing that there was anything more than him just wanting to be my friend. My friends protested this idea and fought it with passionate fury at my naivete. The most popular argument against me was “What guy willingly runs 21 miles with a woman he is NOT attracted to? Who does that? And why would he text you every day?” I almost didn’t want him to be attracted to me because it was so much easier to carry on as running buddies.

He picked out a book for me to borrow since he was reading one of mine. He chose “Three Cups of Tea” by Greg Mortensen, David Oliver Relin because, and I quote, “Greg is a good guy doing good things in the world. You’re a good person and I know you’re going to do good things in the world too. You’ll like his story.” Best compliment ever. I was speechless.

Our texting continued for the next week and then I went out of the country for a few days. No communication with him was killer! When I came back I had a text waiting from him simply asking if I was back in town yet. I waited until the next day to respond because I couldn’t figure out how to casually tell him that I had a gift for him. While I was away I found a book and coffee that I knew he would like so I bought it without thinking. It wasn’t until I realized that I would have to actually give it to him that I became overly concerned about how a gift would seem to him. Telling him that I couldn’t stop thinking about him while I was away and physically MISSED running with him and simply couldn’t NOT buy the book (“The Games Were Coming” by Michael Anthony) because it was so perfect for him, would obviously come across as neurotic stalker.

I ended up simply saying “I found something for you while I was away. Do you want me to bring it to the run tomorrow? I’ll be in your hood tonight so I can drop it off tonight as well.” And no, no I was not going to be anywhere near his “hood” that night but I wanted to give it to him in person with out the prying eyes of everyone at the running group…and plus I just really, really, REALLY wanted to see him.

When he said he’d rather see me that night I had to re-read his text 10 times to make sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. He looked startled when he opened the door. He paused and looked me up and down before he realized that I was still standing in the hallway and he should invite me in. He was wearing a torn t-shirt and shorts. He was holding yellow rubber gloves in his hand. He had been cleaning his apartment and seriously, I have never seen a guy look so darn attractive with yellow gloves. Weird. I know.

I wasn’t planning on staying so I stood in his foyer and handed him his gift. He loved it and we chatted for 45 minutes, him sitting on the arm of his chair, me leaning against his wall just inside his foyer, my coat still on, my purse still over my shoulder. I suddenly felt that I was over staying my welcome so I mentioned that it was getting late and I should let him get back to cleaning.

“Do you want to sit down and stay for a bit?” He gestured to his couch. I had to swallow the “YES! YES! YES!”

“It’s getting late isn’t it? I should probably go home.” I couldn’t tell if he was just being polite or if he wanted me to stay. I in turn didn’t want to seem too eager and I was afraid that if I stayed I would say something stupid and this little bit of magic I felt would be ruined.

“Ok.” We said our goodbyes. I turned to let myself out. Right hand on the doorknob, turning… and suddenly his arms were around me and he was hugging me from behind, pulling me into his chest. His head resting on mine.

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!” My body screamed and tensed up. We had never, not once had any sort of physical contact AT ALL before this. We stood there for a beat in silence, then I opened my mouth and Idiot Girl took over.

“So…I guess you don’t want me to leave?” Hello?!?! Dumb. He shook his head (which I could feel rather than see), let go of me and turned me to face him. He dropped his arms then half raised them, a sheepish grin spreading across his face. I must have been a zillion shades of blushing red.

“Uh, so do you want me to hug you?” Oh SHUT UP!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SAY THE STUPIDEST THINGS!!! OF COURSE HE WANTS TO HUG YOU!!! JUST DO IT!! Idiot Girl was in control of my tongue and my brain wasn’t quick enough to check her. Have I mentioned that Idiot Girl is awkward and socially inept? She’s a left over from a younger less experienced version of myself.

We hugged and it was like a slice of pumpkin cheesecake heaven. He tilted my chin up and kissed me.
At the end of the kiss Idiot Girl once again came out.

“Wow…I was not expecting that.” And that…THAT was the beginning of the end.
Immediately it was uncomfortable. He stepped back and looked down at his feet. I laughed. I couldn’t help it!!!! PLEASE!!! I WISH I COULD TAKE IT BACK!!! But I can’t. WHY DID I LAUGH?!?!?!?!?!

After I left he texted me a thank you for the book and the kiss. He also wrote “I hope I didn’t cross over any boundaries.” To which IDIOT GIRL, responded,
“There had been boundaries and you redrew them and that’s ok. I don’t mind.” I DON’T MIND?!?!?!? *Fulll body Cringe*. I know you’re cringing. I cringe every time I think about that particular phrasing Idiot Girl decided to use. His response?

“Let’s put the boundary back up then. I don’t want to hurt our friendship.”

And that was that. Ruined. Ruined. Ruined.
A male friend of mine later explained (after doubling over in extreme embarrassment for me after the retelling of this event) that even though I wasn’t rejecting him, my words and body language came across as stand offish. He protected himself before I could fully reject him by setting the boundary back up again.

After that he shied away from me at the running group. After that the daily texting stopped. If I texted him, he would ignore it or take 2 days to respond. I stopped contacting him all together.

Oh, there’s more. I wish there wasn’t, but no, no, NO. Idiot Girl could not, would not let a dying dog just die. She had to go and kick it out of its misery. Yes, I admit I was super frustrated at his avoidance of me. I was sad that I had lost him. I was angry that he felt uncomfortable around me. I thought I knew it was because he had decided he wasn’t interested and didn’t want me to start to chase after him and hope for a relationship. I thought me trying to act as if nothing had happened when I saw him wasn’t clear enough to him that we could still be friends and just friends. I didn’t know how else to make everything like it had been before that kiss.

So I texted him. Yeah, first and foremost, emotional outbursts should never, EVER be sent through text messages. SECOND, emotional outbursts should just never, ever be sent in writing ever, ever, EVER because there always remains a written record of your neurosis. I broke all my rules. I take that back, IDIOT GIRL BROKE ALL MY RULES.

So, here is what I, wrote.
“Lino please stop walking on eggshells around me. I get it. I’ve been rejected. We can be friends. I’m totally ok with that. I’m not the type of girl who pines over guys or chases after them if its something they clearly don’t want. Lino, just stop being weird and awkward around me and about me please.”

Yes. YES!!! I TOTALLY SENT THAT!!! I haven’t done something so dumb since 1999.

His response?

“Your words are clear. Have a Happy New Year!” I want to move to a different planet. For real. I could strangle Idiot Girl or give myself a lobotomy.