Fausto, Date 2: You tried to steal a man’s wife?!

I went on date two with Fausto. A brunch date at Aquagrill. A cute place. Not too romantic. No reservations needed. He wore a t-shirt and jeans and looked more relaxed than our first date in his suit.

Within minutes of sitting down he surprised me.

He placed a package wrapped in black tissue paper, tied with a black ribbon, with a cream colored embossed note attached.

I was sitting on my hands to keep them warm so after I just sat staring at it on the table for a moment too long, Fausto cleared his throat and said “It’s nothing really. Don’t think it means anything…” I had made him uncomfortable with my silence and hesitancy to pick up and open the package. Oops. I hadn’t meant to but I guess I was indeed trying to figure out a response to receiving a gift on a SECOND date from someone I wasn’t even sure I wanted to continue seeing.

Inside the card he had written a note explaining that while he had been upstate with his relatives I came up in a conversation with his father, mainly because of a former job I once had as an elf at Macy’s Santaland. Inevitably this brought up David Sedaris and serendipitously while at a flea market later in the day Fausto came upon the book “Barrel Fever.” He bought it. Read it. Then gave it to me knowing I have yet to read a Sedaris book.

I thanked him. It was a nice gesture. Almost too nice. I’m all about being nice, don’t get me wrong. I totally understand the impulse to give gifts (uhm hello I brought back a book and coffee for a guy I wasn’t even dating) which is probably why I started to pull back and away from Fausto during the brunch. I sensed his attachment to me growing, which considering this was our second date and we had barely exchanged pleasantries since our first date, was a bit much.

Fausto had e-mailed me twice since our first date. Long e-mails that were beautifully written (he is a gifted writer who will probably write a best seller one day soon) explaining to me more about his family and daily life. I enjoyed reading them but in return I offered nothing. I am an open person to a certain degree, but I keep my life relatively private when it comes to certain things.

This usually means I become the most amazing listener and in turn the guy, who has found someone he can talk endlessly to who is also responsive, finds himself becoming more secure with me and feels more attached. I won’t digress but this type of behavior has been studied and explained and theorized- Attachment.

Gentlemen, pay attention. I am about to explain all the signals I was trying to subtly give Fausto to let him know I was not interested in him romantically yet still enjoy his company as a friend.
I listened intently to his stories about his family and laughed at the appropriate moments. However, when there was a lull in the conversation or his monologue, I changed the subject to something far less meaningful, mainly I commented on the weather and the food. If he asked me something in regards to my life, I answered as simply as I could, not relating any details about my actual emotions, only facts (time, date, colors, people’s names and relations to me- nothing about how intense a moment was how it might have changed my life etc…). I sat back away from, putting as much physical distance from him (he was leaning forward onto the table as he spoke). I kept my hands in my lap. I avoided extended eye contact. I was intentionally trying to make myself boring.

Brunch was dwindling down to the crumbs on our plates when he turned the conversation to previous relationships. He asked me the very vague question “What have your past relationships been like?”
I all at once hate and love this question. I hate it because it is extremely personal and when its asked of me I feel as if the guy is trying to get information out of me on which to judge me with. I love it because it is also vague and I can answer it any which way I want to then in turn ask the guy the same question and he can answer any which way he wants to.

For me, what’s in the past is in the past. Yes, previous relationships have brought me about to where I am now and how I handle personal encounters today. Mistakes were made but it is not necessary that a person should know all my hang ups and faults on the second date. So, I answered with the barest of the truth.

“I’ve been in love. Really in love. I once thought I was going to get married and have babies with the guy I was with. I was ready at the time. I have had my heart broken. I have broken hearts. I am happy now though and I have no regrets. And you?”

Instead of answering right away he went on to ask how long my longest relationship was, and when my most recent relationship ended and why and how long that one had lasted. This, this is what I don’t like. I don’t like the interview process this feels like. I answered honestly for everything, giving him just facts. I’m over all of it and that’s how I presented it.

When he was ready to talk about his own relationships it started out like this.
“I don’t really talk about my last relationship. It lasted only 5 months, but she was the first person I ever said ‘I love you’ too and meant it.” Ok. Another round of tea was ordered and I settled in to what was proving to be a long, long story. I don’t mind. I find people’s stories interesting and it was obvious that Fausto needed to get this off his chest and I happened to be someone he was seeking some sort of response from.

Apparently his last relationship had been with a married woman. A MARRIED WOMAN. He knew she was married when he met her. They had worked together, different departments, but close enough to see each other every day. He knew she was married but flirted with her. They saw each other at work and would talk at length at company functions/socials. He sent her a letter, the contents of which he did not disclose to me. He invited her out to lunch one day. She said yes. She unloaded on him her troubles she was having in her marriage. He went in for the kill. They kept up an affair for 5 months. 5 months he actively pursued this married woman, secretly met with her, and felt ok with it. Yes, I know. It takes two to tango and he alone is not at fault. I know the married woman is to be blamed as well. If she had not been with Fausto she very probably would have found someone else to be with.

In the end, the wife told Fausto she was going to leave her husband (who had found out about the affair and had left the country on vacation to deal with it). The woman then left the country to follow her husband to break the news of her wish for a divorce. That didn’t happen. The couple somehow worked things out and are still married.
She ended the affair with Fausto.
Fausto was/is heartbroken.

As he told the story it became clear to me that there was still a lot of emotion involved. It was clear by the way he would pause and carefully choose his words and blink that he was still dealing with the loss of this love.

It was also clear that he feels no regrets about taking part in the almost total destruction of a marriage.

Then he told me that the affair had only ended in November.
The I knew I really, really, really needed to end the date.

What I am not comfortable with is Fausto’s part in this affair. He ACTIVELY PURSUED A MARRIED WOMAN.

I don’t care if she expressed she was having problems. She was vulnerable and obviously going through some drama, and he pursued it. He wasn’t patient and didn’t offer just to be a friend who would listen. Nor did he distance himself and just allow things to unfold in her life and be patient until she was fully available. No. He pursued her without thinking of the consequences. He took part in the destruction of a marriage. He took on that role.

This does not align with my morals. Not. At. All. I am not even friends with people who are ok with being the other woman/man or having an affair. It’s an area of self-destruction, pain and lying I don’t want to be a part of. Too much negative energy.

Yes, mistakes are in the past and what is done is done. Fausto is for the most part an excellent catch. I have no doubt that when he rises out of the fog of being heartbroken, he will be far more appealing, to another woman. Another woman may find no qualms about his active pursuit of a married woman. That is the type of woman he needs to be with. That woman is not and never will be me.

The date ended with the payment of the bill. He asked me “What do you think about everything I’ve just told you?”

“Well, it is what it is.” I shrugged my shoulders and made up some excuse about having to meet a friend uptown to help him pick out a gift for his sister.

Right now I am attempting to compose a polite e-mail to him explaining why I do not feel we are a good match. I keep getting stuck on “I grossly disagree with your execution of seducing a married woman and am slightly appalled that you do not see that you did anything wrong.” That is a bit harsh and extremely judgmental. I also can’t start with, “I do not want to be your or anybody’s rebound girl.” It would also prove impolite to simply say “I am totally, not physically attracted to you.” That is just not necessary.

*sigh*. I could just ignore him until he goes away.