Please, don’t say it…

Dear Guy on our first date,

1) I’m not impressed by lots of money. Yes, its nice to have a guy buy dinner for me every time we go out and to pay for everything, but sweetie, if you’re worth my time, I’ll want to hang out with you regardless and we can split the bill. I’ll be ok with that. If you’re broke, that little tidbit will show itself in due time. There are other ways to charm me. If you do talk about money and it matters that much to you, I will not be seeing you again after the first date.

2) Don’t ask me about my financial situation. I’m broke and don’t want to talk about it, but I’m happy. I do broke very well thank you. If it matters to you that I’m broke, you should definitely bone up on your fashion so you can tell that my jeans are not Diesel but Top Shop and that my soft off the shoulder sweater that you liked so much isn’t Prada but from the sales rack at Strawberry- $15.00. If you want a high roller to go with your high roller lifestyle, you ain’t getting that with me. You should’ve been able to see that from my un-manicured hands and Chinatown knockoff bag and scuffed up worn down boots.

3) Please don’t go into a rant about your recent ex-girlfriend, or any ex-girlfriend. If you’re not over her or any of them, which clearly you aren’t if you can spend 15 minutes of a lovely dinner talking about how much she (they all) hurt you, then I need to get the hell up away from you, because buddy, I am too damn good to be someone’s rebound girl. Oh, and if you ever once say, “You remind me of someone I once dated,” I won’t necessarily take that as a compliment. I want to be unique. I don’t want to know you’re thinking of the girl you once banged in the back of a truck in college when I twirl my hair a certain way or say a catch phrase with a certain Midwestern accent.

4) Politics. Really? You feel the need to get into a political debate while eating yummy cake? I guess that’s one way to make sure we never go on a date again. I understand that there will be difference of opinions and I completely respect that. I like to learn from other people about why they view the world the way they do. But uhm…if you say “You’re dumb to think his health plan is going to do this country any good.” I will not return your asinine argument with a statement that will inevitably show my contempt for you personally. Instead I will say “Well, since you consider me dumb I’m just going to leave you this $10 in cash and hope that it covers my half of the bill..not that I’d be able to figure out the math on it anyways since I’m so dumb.” Smile, then promptly leave.

5) Gossip hasn’t been my spiel since I out grew my training bra. I’m sorry that you don’t get along with your family/friend/roommate/co-worker/personal trainer, and I know it must suck for you, but uh…I can kind of see why they don’t like you if you find it so easy to tell a total stranger all about their dirty secrets and why you can’t stand them/him/her/anybody. If these are the people closest to you in your life and you can talk so freely about their faults, what the heck are you going to say about ME after we’ve been dating for a while and you’ve seen some of my faults…oh wait. You’re not going to get that far because I don’t find your gossiping ways charming and the first date is the last date.

6) Don’t tell me you’re going to call me if you aren’t- and I KNOW 95% of the time you do actually KNOW that you aren’t going to call me again by the end of the first date.

7) Don’t tell me I remind you of your mother/aunt/sister or any female family member. Well, you can tell me that if you really respect and admire said family member, but unfortunately to me it is also telling me that while we could be friends, it would be sort of weird for you to ever see me naked if I remind you of your MOTHER.

8.) Do not insist that you are 5′-8″ and that I MUST be 5′-6″ when clearly, you are 5′-4″ and I am 5′-3″. I am not blind, nor am I stupid, and I didn’t care about your height until you very obviously exposed how insecure you are about numbers. I sometimes even have a tape measurer in my purse due to my job. If you are annoying enough I will pull it out and show you hall tall/short you really are.

9) So, apparently I missed the memo that this is not a date but an interview for your future one night stand/bootie call because I can’t think of any other reason why you would start in on a conversation about your sexual turn ons when I didn’t even ask. What makes you think I want to know all that right now? And what the heck gave you the idea you would even get far enough along to a point where any of that even matters? Because buddy, as soon as you started talking about pink lacey thongs, this woman started realizing you don’t even deserve to shake her hand goodnight. And no, no I will not tell you my turn ons. If you feel the need to tell me yours, yeah, sure go ahead and ramble on about how much you like being called “Daddy”. I’ll listen. It makes for a good story to tell my friends later, and by later I mean in half an hour when the check comes and I bolt out the door without you.

Whew…
Now, tell me do you like long walks on the beach…?