I’m terrified.
Absolutely scared out of my mind that I am going to fall hard and it’s going to hurt and I’m going to somehow mess this all up and lose a good friend in the process of breaking both of our hearts and I haven’t even gotten to the 4th date yet and I’m freakin’. Seriously. FREAKIN’. THE. EFF. OUT.
*breathe*
*breathe*

Things with Michal, a friend I have known for just over a year, have slowly…very slowly progressed to a possible maybe sort of beginning of us dating on a sort of regular basis. Our first “date” on February 12th hadn’t originally been planned as a “date.” It was an innocent coming together of two friends to watch the Olympic opening ceremony together over a cheap home made meal of pasta and veggies.

That sort of changed once I felt the fluttery fly away feeling of having found out he was behind the two dozen roses and box of chocolates sent to my office by a “secret admirer” earlier that same day. That sort of changed once I saw the shyness in his smile when he at first tried to deny that he sent them. That sort of changed once he handed me a Valentine’s card as the pasta sauce warmed up and I sliced veggies…he had signed the card “Love, Michal.”

We sat down on his small couch in his apartment he shares with 4 other roommates, he on one end, me on the other, our bowls of pasta balanced on our laps, our eyes glued to the TV and the grand expanse of a canyon between us. Very slowly over the course of 4 hours between getting up for drinks, shifting positions to relieve legs that had fallen asleep, to stretch, to cheer, to go to the bathroom, to scratch a back, to lean in closer to better hear each other…I ended up with my head on his shoulder, my legs stretched out and draped over his which were propped up on the coffee table, one arm tucked under me, the other hugging his chest, and happily asleep…snoring ever so quietly.

He woke me up so I wouldn’t miss the lighting of the torch. I stayed tangled up in his warmth and struggled to watch, but kept falling asleep. When the ceremony was over he whispered an offer,
“You can stay over if you’re too tired to go home. I promise nothing will happen. We’ll just sleep.”

In an instant I was fully awake, my body charged and ready to bolt out the door. I played calm as I slowly sat up and separated from him. I looked at him, my friend, this great-too-good-to-be-true-guy and felt utter fear shake me violently from the inside out. The realization that I had just cuddled with him for the first time after a freakin’ year of knowing him and occasionally wondering what it would feel like to be this close to him was starting to take its toll on my understanding of reality. I had to speak slowly so he wouldn’t notice the shake in my voice as I tried to remain calm.

“Oh, uh…I need to get home. Early wake up to get everything done. Busy day tomorrow. Thanks, though. I’ll be fine going home. I’ll just hop in a cab or something.” And with that I started putting my shoes on. He didn’t try to change my mind. He simply nodded and walked with me outside until a cab stopped. We made small chit chat about nothing significant. We walked with our hands stuffed in our pockets, barely looking at each other. When a cab stopped, Michal pulled me into a hug.

“Thanks again for the roses. They made me smile all day.” My voice was muffled, buried in his shoulder.

“I’m glad you liked them. Your smile is what I was going for.” His lips brushed my forehead (maybe a kiss? Maybe a miscalculation of distance between his lips and my head?) My knees almost buckled.

On Valentine’s Day we happened to be in Chinatown at the same time for different reasons (I had to work and he was celebrating New Year’s) so we literally met for only 5 minutes before we each had to run off to other prior commitments, but not before we planned to meet for breakfast the next day since we both had the day off. Yes, I purposely made myself totally busy on Valentine’s day just so I WOULDN’T say yes to any dates because I’m a bit superstitious that way.

Breakfast was short and sweet at the Tramway Diner with a nice walk to Grand Central (he had to meet up with his parents to spend the day celebrating the New Year) and if it weren’t for the roses, the maybe kiss on the forehead, the Valentine’s card, it would’ve been just like any other encounter between the two of us…except we were alone as opposed to sharing the activity with a group of friends. I was desperately trying to figure out a way how to segue into a conversation about “us” and/or just grab him and kiss him and/or just reach out for his hand and hold it and/or walk down the street with my arm looped through his…all while trying to get a grip on the feelings bursting in me and trying to figure out exactly how I felt about the possibility of there being an “us”…

Over the next few days our texts and e-mails were pretty much the same as they had always been. Teasing and light and funny and happy and frequent and about nothing significant…everything that had made us friends remained the same…

We went bowling at Bowlmor the following Friday marking our third time hanging out without any of our friends surrounding us. He brought his own bowling shoes and kicked my butt. I ordered the hummus plate and plowed through the artichokes that were covered in garlic and onion. Sexy. I was at ease. I felt comfortable. Every now and then he would stand behind me as I munched on a carrot, and put his hands on my shoulders. I would smile up at him and he would smile down at me…and then he’d tease me.

“Those smell great. Your breath is going to be awesome…you know we haven’t even kissed yet…” I wanted to swallow a bowling ball and throw myself down the lane straight into the gutter…oops…

Here’s the thing…every time an opportunity for physical intimacy arises, I back off. I’m absolutely terrified of going for it with Michal. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, I shouldn’t be scared of having somebody GOOD in my life…it’s just…its just that I’ve already jumped ahead to when the honeymoon period of our dating is over and everything that comes with being in a relationship sets in. The misunderstandings, the fights, the hurt, the working things out, the conversations about where the “relationship” is going, etc….and every time I play that movie reel of our hypothetical future there’s always the fairytale ending I want and the alternate not so fairytale ending I don’t want but have lived through before with others in the past.

I know, I KNOW! I’ll never know unless I just go forward, which I’m usually all about…but Michal is different…I don’t want to lose his friendship. If I mess this one up, or he messes this up, or we both mess this up, it’s going to suck so much more than if he was just a random.

And no, no I haven’t found the nerve to talk to him about any of this because I don’t know what I want to hear or what I don’t want to hear. Basically I don’t know if what I want is what I want and what I don’t want is what I don’t want…I’m not sure what I need and what I don’t need. I’ve been turned upside down and all logic and reason has spilled out of my head. Michal is just so…unexpected…this thing we have between us, just popped its first leafy green head out of the soil and is crazy surprsing and beautiful in its intensity of color. Now it’s going to grow very, very, very slowly… if it it doesn’t get stepped on or pissed on by a dog.

I’m being an idiot. I know. Idiot girl is having a party in my heart.

This song, “Relax, Take it Easy” by Mika is stuck in my head because it makes me want to dance around and sing along at the top of my lungs…which I did right before I sat down to write this and will do again as soon as I post this.

“It’s as if I’m scared
It’s as if I’m terrified
It’s as if I’m scared
Are we playing with fire?”