Lies and excuses

‘Would telling the truth or telling a lie bring about the better consequences?’

I came upon the article above and it got me thinking about my dating life.

I lie. Technically a sin but there are philosophical debates about “appropriate” times to lie and what lies are “white lies.” I don’t like to lie. I’m not very good at it which is fine because in all areas of my life I don’t need reasons to be deceitful…except when it comes to lack luster dating. The following are some of my most often used and/or favorite excuses to use in order to flee a scene.

1. “I have to cat/dog/baby/plant sit.”
This excuse has come in handy during those dates that start off ok and then sort of turn into something I want to escape from. You can just as easily pretend like you forgot and suddenly jump up and rush out after looking at your watch and realizing the time.

2. “I’m meeting up with a friend for emotional support.”
I like to throw this one in on dates with the nice guys I should like but don’t like because they are too boring. If at dinner with a guy and the dessert menu comes around, I’ll decline politely, and apologize on the grounds that I should get going fairly soon. Usually, I don’t feel like I am lying because more often than not, I do actually either meet up with a friend or call a friend to vent for a bit. I never give out any more details than that one line because it is really none of the other person’s business.

3. “CRAP! I LEFT THE IRON ON!”
Ok, so I’ve only used this once, but it was effective because it was true. Even though I wasn’t totally into the guy I was on a date with and hadn’t totally meant to blow him off- he was probably suspicious of the whole iron thing since I wasn’t wearing anything that looked like it had needed ironing.

4. “Aunt Flo just came early.”
I have not personally tried this, but a friend of mine suggested it because she both achieved getting out of the date and decreasing the guy’s level of sexual interest significantly to the point that he indeed stopped calling her.

5.”Man, that Indian/Thai/Mexican food is NOT sitting well. Where is the bathroom? I need to drop off the kids at the pool!”
My friends and I use this, or something similarly as gross and personal, when we are out and find ourselves somewhat trapped by guys aggressively hitting on us, and not only want to leave them behind, but also exit the whole entire scene. I suggest using this only when you plan on leaving the whole scene entirely since you never know who else the guys know. You can pretty much bet that they’re going to share your talk of bowel problems with their friends.

6. “I’ve got to be at work really early.”
I use this when I like the guy but not enough to sacrifice sleep in order to spend more time with him, but would like to possibly see him again. Yes, I’ve even used this on weekend nights because, hey it’s New York and for the most part, every young person who has a job/career has to work on a weekend.

7. “I had a really nice time and I would like to have this night last longer, but I really must get home. It’s late and I need to be fresh and focused for work tomorrow.”
This, is the truth. I reserve the truth for the ones I want to see again. Sometimes you go on a date and it turns into a marathon date. I love those. Sometimes though, I just simply don’t have the energy to stay awake and be coherent past a certain time in the evening.

Some of you may ask why not simply say “No thank you, I’m not interested,” or something along those lines. Well, yes I do say this the most when being hit on but usually I am met with a rude comment back like “You’re ugly anyways”, or “You aren’t that great of a catch anyways.” For real. This has been said to me so many times I’m wondering if these guys were all taught at the same School of Stupid and Immature.

Or worse, the poor schmuck will ask me “WHY?” I dread this. If I answer honestly (you smell bad, you’re arrogant, you’re not what I consider attractive AT ALL, you’re boring, you’re totally not funny, you sound rather incompetent, I think your beer has a higher number of calories than your IQ score, you look ridiculous in bedazzled jeans, your breath is atrocious, etc…) it tends to make matters worse.

If I respond with a lie, like “I have a boyfriend” (which I would obviously only use in non-date scenarios) I am met with “Well, he’s not here is he?” or “We can’t just be friends?”…uhm, well no he’s not here because he doesn’t exist and no I don’t want to be friends, otherwise I wouldn’t be trying to escape.

Occasionally, I have been known to tell a real whopper in order to disengage myself from a date, simply for the sport of it. On a few rare occasions, when I was 102% sure I never wanted to cross paths with the guy in question, I treated it like a storytelling game- “How much B.S. can I feed this guy before he throws up?” I always made my stories utterly outrageous and completely ridiculous to believe but for whatever reason the guys ate them up like candy. It still boggles my mind that these were believed or tolerated. Without going into too much detail here are the 3 big fat excuses I’ve used to get out of a date.

1. “I’m in town for only a short while longer. A friend of mine is an up and coming pop singer star in Korea and he’s taking me on tour as a back up dancer. Rehearsals start tomorrow so I’ve got to get up really early.”

2. “I ordered a husband through the mail and he’s due to arrive first thing tomorrow morning.”

3. “I’m trying out for American Idol.”

Would you believe me if you met me?