Things with Michal have been inching along like a snail on sleeping pills…and its mainly me who has been pushing sleeping pills on the poor snail.

I’ve just been so dang busy, with work, with my training for a marathon, with my early to bed early to rise way of life, with my focus on saving more money…with just being single. I’ve been single for so long that I’m used to it. I don’t mind it. I think I’ve forgotten how to really sacrifice time for someone other than my family and my closest friends.

I pass up staying at his place to sleep and cuddle because I know I won’t get a solid night’s rest and I think how I can’t afford to be groggy and tired at work the next day and then sluggish when I go for my training run after work.

I can’t go out to dinner much because I don’t want him to always pay and at the moment I’m totally trying to reshape how I spend my money and really don’t want to blow money on dinner out. He’s training for a marathon too, but our running schedules don’t mesh because he’s also a coach and has clients when I’m free to run with him. He also has a crazy busy job that keeps him working late hours.

I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be resistant to plunging in and going for it with Michal…

I’m just too used to being single and being free and being responsible for only myself, not having to compromise on certain things, not being an automatic emotional support for someone (other than my friends and family), not having to check in at night or during the day or at any time at all, not trying to schedule in a necessary “date”…

I’m just too used to being alone. I can go to a movie whenever I want to without having to coordinate with someone. I can wear granny panties and my ugly cotton comfy bras underneath and no one will ever know…I can collapse in my bed after a long, long, long day without worrying about how my feet smell. I can pick my nose. I can talk to my cats. I can eat cereal and Dove caramel candies for dinner. I can dream of weekend getaways without feeling obligated to invite someone along.

Friends say that this is a sign that Michal isn’t the one for me after all. They say that if I was really in it to win it, I’d play the game and score as many points as possible to keep him, to make him mine and to make myself his.

I’m not so sure I’m sold on that idea. I’ve been in it to win it before. I’ve changed my life around to make things work with a guy. I’ve given up precious time just to catch a few extra hours of prime cuddles with a guy I’m crushing on. I’ve turned down invitations to events I really wanted to go to because I felt the need to be there for a guy when he had even the slightest bit of stress during the day. I’ve canceled on friends last minute when a boyfriend has had a change of plans as well. I’ve been that girl and it was way too easy.

I’ve come a long way since I was a walking talking shell of a woman. I’ve since filled myself up with a personality and opinions and independence and a full thriving life that is packed with happiness and friends and love.

Michal was out of town this past weekend and I went to a birthday gathering for a mutual friend of ours.

Within moments of arriving, two different people asked me separately, “How’s Michal?”

I literally had to bite back the words, “I don’t know. I’m not his keeper.”
Instead I answered “I don’t know. He’s out of town.”

Both people looked confused by this answer is if they couldn’t fathom why or how I didn’t know how he was doing. I couldn’t even fully answer why he was out of town. Yeah, I knew where, but I wasn’t sure exactly why.

It was the truth. I hadn’t had any contact with him in almost 48 hours. Not a phone call, text, e-mail, or anything on Facebook. I just assumed he was fine because for the most part, no news is good news.

It’s not that I don’t care. I care about Michal. He’s so sweet and funny and honest, and sincerely a good person through and through. I’ve never heard him say anything mean about someone for the sake of being mean. He’s a hard worker and generous. He gets along with everyone despite his shyness. I feel safe when I’m with him. Comfortable and relaxed. It’s just so easy to be around him.

It’s just all a bit overwhelming. We’re training for a destination race at the end of July. He went ahead and booked train tickets and hotel tickets for both of us. I’m a planner. I like to organize. It’s odd that a trip of mine has been totally taken care of for me. The only reason he had signed up for the race was because I had signed up. His involvement with the race has trumped mine. Teammates forget that I’m running in it too, that I in fact was the one who researched the race and entered months before him, and ask only him how his training is going and praise him for being such a great endurance athlete.

I realize that this sounds whiny and it probably is. I love that he’s going to be there with me. I had originally asked him to go just to be my support because I need it. Instead of being my support he’s going to be my competition. I really wanted his support. I’d rather have his support instead. I’m not even competitive. There’s no way I’m going to beat him because he’s light years faster than me and that’s not even the point. The point is, he signed up for the race because (and he told me this) he knew he wouldn’t like being there to cheer me on and NOT being part of the race also. Ugh.

I’m really good at being single because I really got used to having experiences all to myself for myself. There are certain things, events, moments, emotions, in life that are difficult to share with other people. Not because they are things only one person can experience at a time, but because certain things, like running epic races, require a person to really focus and look inward towards the self. It’s a journey that you take alone even when you’re surrounded by hundreds of other people.

I’ve gotten really good at being alone. It doesn’t bother me. I don’t get depressed. I don’t get desperate for company. I don’t fear attending events without a date. I’m getting better at cooking for one (I’ll still cook for two just for the leftovers!)

Ha, yes I know I’m writing on a very public blog, but I do like my privacy when it comes to my dating life. I tell my best friends just about everything, but when I date someone within my social circle, mutual friends of ours get the very, very bare minimum, if that.

All it took was one night out together when Michal and I were walking to the subway holding hands and a mutual friend from our running team ran by. She stopped to say hello before continuing on her way. Within a week, Michal relayed that just about everyone and their mom on the team knew we were an “item.” It was overwhelming to no longer be my own individual self on the team, and to all of a sudden be “Michal’s girlfriend.” All of a sudden we’ve become a topic of conversation. Not that I am his girlfriend even. We’re still moving slowly…

I’m just really good at being single. I like being good at things.
I’m not so sure I’d be good at being in a relationship just yet.